Thursday, 1 October 2015

On the complexities of grief

Having experienced grief fundamentally changed me as a person.
I have always been someone who feels strongly and deeply, but since losing my Mother I no longer feel connected to the world like I did. I don't feel for people the way I used to - I feel for my husband, my daughter and stepson and that's it, really. I am okay now, where I wasn't before, with my lack of friends my own age. And I don't feel anything for other people's problems like I used to. I empathise but it doesn't cut me deeply.

I haven't seen my supposed best friend since Christmas. And I accept it, and I wonder if I am better for it. A rift has come between us, I had to make a decision for the good of my family that she said she was fine with and she lied about. She has told me multiple times she was going to visit and has not, was even in my neighbourhood on my birthday and walked passed me in a store like she didn't see me but didn't call. She made a big production about coming for cake on my baby's 1st birthday about 2 weeks before then never called, never came, and I heard nothing for months.
Years ago this would have gutted me, made me a bumbling mess. Now I am indifferent, disinterested, and tired. Tired of being the only one who cares about anything, really.
It's easier on me not to care. If no one else does why should I?

As long as I can write and be with my family everything else doesn't even scratch the surface. My connection to the regular world seemed to die with my Mother, and that emotional raw nerve I once was has closed. I sleep better, and my stomach hurts much less.

But grief does that to you. It makes you question everything and everyone, because if it doesn't have a point then what's the point, right?
(I apologise if I sound like I am ranting. I am really clearning my head).

My Mother was really the light in my darkness. And now with her gone, even with the light that is my husband and children my grief has carved a more permanent place for that darkness and it is a part of me like it wasn't before. It is a comfort now, I can retreat to my quiet dark place when I lose interest in the world. It makes for interesting writing and I hope that it will add something to my WIP that I have been trying for but somehow missed. I find that writing has become more raw and emotional and I am  retreating into it like I did as a child, and I like it. I have always been drawn to the dark so it makes sense that's where I would end up.

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