I won't get into personal details, but I very recently suffered a great loss. It's part of the reason why I haven't posted much of anything in a while, but I sat down today in front of the blank screen and I realized something.
My entire life writing has been a point of refuge. When things have got too much for me to deal with, I retreated into my fictional world, or I'd simply put my thoughts to paper. Why hadn't I been doing that until now?
When something bad happens, sometimes its hard to put it on paper. Because actually seeing it written down like that is almost too much to bare. And, as many writers will tell you, there comes a time when you realize how truly inadequate words are when you reach the point at which you have something really important and meaningful to say. So my place of refuge has become a little empty and lost because I simply do not have any words right now.
And that's why I decided to write this blog post, to try to express, even though they are edited for internet, some of those thoughts. Even though I may not find the words, perhaps saying anything will clear my head enough that I can start finding the right words, and at some point they'll stop feeling cliche, or silly, or totally inadequate. I'm a writer and this is how I express myself, and I think this will be the way I am able to recover from all this madness.
Even though its going to be a process and something that will never truly end. Grief does strange things to a person's mind, and for creative types the world begins to spin in the most insane ways, bringing things to the forefront that you thought you were not capable of thinking. Even the fictional world you have created starts to take a darker turn - so, in a way, the darkness that already surrounds me is just getting darker. I'm excited to see how that comes out in my writing, because so many things for me have come from the dark, not just fear but my characters...the list could go on for days. I've come to the conclusion that I am made up of darkness, a product of it. I can't imagine that there aren't a lot of others who feel the same way.
Some people the darkness in their life takes over their existence and makes them into something monstrous, something intolerable to other human beings. I think my darkness has become an integrated part of my person that even though it scares me, its my home. Its where I feel like I belong.