Many of you might not know
this, but metastasized breast cancer took my Mother from me in April of
2012. It was sudden and unexpected. She wasn't in palliative care or
hospice.
I've never been able to
talk openly about my grief, or how I feel about the process of
grieving, until now. And that is all because of a book called The
Long Goodbye by Megan O'Rourke.
The Long Goodbye is
O'Rourke's memoir that she wrote after her Mother died of cancer.
It's poignant, beautiful, and incredibly deep in a way that really
sets into your bones.
Part of the reason why I
picked it up was because of some of the ways it paralleled by own
experience. O'Rourke is also a writer, and she cared for her mother
while she was going through her illness as I did. The major
difference is that I haven't been able to write at all about grief,
and have had difficulty even writing through it. It really captures
the empty lonely feeling, and what that absence does to your psyche.
One of the things that she
said that really stuck with me was relating the loss to an
amputation, and that relearning how to do things without the loved
one is like learning how to do things with missing parts and I agree
with that whole heartedly. My Mother was my best friend, my greatest
supporter and champion, and the light in my darkness. Going on
without her has been a process of trying to relearn how to do things,
and I've struggled privately and continue to do so.
Coming up to the holiday
months without my Mother is especially hard. There are so many things
that I hadn't done without her in many years, and trying to do even
the simplest things without her has been lonely and at times so sad.
O'Rourke spent a lot of
time researching grief and the practices of mourning and grieving
which I found fascinating. Going through that process I had a lot of
questions and concerns on how I was supposed to behave, and was chastised for my behaviour or lack thereof, so learning about what
is appropriate in other cultures, and how the entire process has
evolved throughout the centuries was very interesting to me. O'Rourke
also applied these ideas to her own grief, and because of the
similarities to what I am going through it was a big eye opener for
me.
There are a lot of books
about grief, and one that was handed to me almost immediately was
Motherless Daughters. It was something my Mother had on her own
bookshelf, and she recommended to many of her friends who had lost
their mothers so it seemed almost bitter sweet that I ended up with
it.
But I have not been able
to read it. I don't know why, and I have tried several times, but I
just can't get into it. Maybe it's because of that legacy, and
because the title sort of rubs me the wrong way. I've come to realize
that with these types of books that not every book works for the same
person, and that you just have to find one that you identify with and
go with it.
So, readers, if you've
struggled with grief I recommend you take a look at The Long Goodbye.
Especially adult women who have lost their mothers.
And, Ms. O'Rourke, on the
off chance that you ever see this, I don't have adequate words to
express how much The Long Goodbye means to me. Thank you for having
the courage to write it and share it, it's given me some hope that I
can learn to understand this process and that I'm not going insane. Thank You.
