On Motherhood, I'm sure the first of many

Becoming a Mother changed me in so many ways.
Good ways, I think. Having to be responsible for someone else emotionally and spiritually as well as physically really makes you reevaluate the world around you.
From the moment I saw her, I wanted to be better, do better, show her that her Mom was even half as amazing as her Mema. My Mother is a tough act to follow, I must add.
I want to show her that you can achieve your dreams, even if you got kicked when you were down. Several times. That if you keep fighting things will get better, which was something I had to figure out on my own.
Being a Mother has given me focus, lit a fire under me that had gone out after my Mother had died. I'm still working on taking care of myself as well as being a Mom but that's not easy. It feels a bit selfish and I have to work on knowing that's not what it's about.

Someone told me when I was pregnant that having a baby changes everything, but they made it sound so negative. When in reality it's not. My daughter has given me a reason. I say a reason because it covers a variety of categories that she ticks the boxes for.

I only wish my Mother was here to see her. Raising a daughter, a child in general, without your Mother to turn to is hard. I wonder if it has been extra hard because of the relationship I had with my Mother. Not saying I have it worse, but I think most new mother's have friends they can turn to for help and advice and I don't. My Mother was my only real friend. I have her friends that I turn to, but its not the same as having people my own age.

But I am learning to move passed that and work with what I have. Because I have so much and I am grateful.

Public And Private

In the age of the internet, everyone is concerned by how they are perceived by the world. When I was growing up it was mostly about gossip, having photographic evidence of your missteps was rare, video evidence even more rare.
Now, especially if your in the public eye, you have to think very hard about something before you put it out online because once you do it's out there and it's not going away. It makes the already self concious uber cautious, and to me it's always felt a little fake and forced.
When I had a traditional publisher I was much more concerned about it because my actions affected other people. Now that I do this on my own it all only looks bad on me. But sometimes in an effort to not make myself look like a jackass I feel like I'm not being authentic and that makes me inaccessable, and that's not what I want.
Of course I'm not going to air my dirty laundry all over the internet, that's just not part of my personality. But in an effort to connect more with you, dear reader, I'm going to try to be more authentic. I was going to write honest but this isn't really about honesty, it's about showing you who I am as a person as well as a writer. Maybe that's a huge mistake on my part, but I have found that I personally have connected more with authors that have shown a bit of themselves as people (I am hugely inspired by Laurell K Hamilton's blog and RM Gilmore, if you're wondering).

This also came about because of my current sidebar work in progress (WIP) that has nothing to do with Katrine and The Afflicted series. This new main character is very raw emotionally and writing her is bringing out some things in me emotionally that have been dormant for a while, but I think it's time for me to allow that side of myself to resurface.

My Mother's death and having my daughter have changed me quite signifigantly. I have lost and gained many things, but I think my unique perspective is something I can share with the world.

Finding Time

When you have a child it's an interesting process trying to find time to do things. In the beginning it felt really selfish to even think of myself, but now that she is a bit older and more independant it really keeps me sane.
What I do is work around her schedule, with both my writing and finding time to read. I thought it would be hard for me to fall asleep because reading always helped calm my body and mind before I went to bed but most of the time I just drop. She has always been rather active so by the end of the day my energy is spent and its hard to think of anything other than sleep, and getting enough sleep before she wakes up.

I don't know what most parents do but that is the way I have decided to handle things. My child's welfare is my highest prioriety and always has been, and I had to learn to take the little moments (like when she was sleeping) to myself and do something no matter how small. Lately it has been working on a WIP on a word processing program on my phone, but I hope to get back into reading soon since the TBR pile is getting enormous.

Next on my list, especially since the paperback of Rebirth is now available, is to get the editing of Book 2 done and get it out to the world. It's tricky, but it'll happen. So please be patient! It's coming.

Goodreads review of The Scene by RM Gilmore

Hi all!

Head over to Goodreads to check out my review of The Scene by RM Gilmore - which is currently FREE in ebook on Amazon!

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/993355046

Evolution of Process

Until the birth of my daughter, I was an old school pen to paper sort of writer. I had developed that process in college when I had the ability to just pull out a piece of paper and write, which was a switch from my earlier process.
But when my daughter was born I quickly learned that pen and paper wasn't going to happen. If I wanted to write I had to find another way to do it.
As any writer knows, changing your process is not easy. It stunts your creativity in a major way, but it also gives you time to seriously think. You have to make every moment count, especially when you have a small child because you don't know when you will get a chance to write again.
So I started writing on an app on my phone. At first I wasn't feeling it and it would majorly hurt my hand after a while typing on the touch pad. But then something clicked and I now quite happily write on my phone. Maybe it was the story I was working on (something new, not saying anything yet) or my muse just decided that if I didn't do this I wouldn't be able to write it doesn't matter because its working.

Have you ever had to change your process? How has having kids changed your creative process?

Been A Long Time

Well, let me be the first to say that I'm deeply sorry that I have neglected this blog, and I will try not to let it go so long without updating again.

I have wonderful news for my first post back! Rebirth has a brand new amazing cover, and is available in paperback!
I made some friends this year, and the lovely RM Gilmore at RMGraphX hooked me up with some amazing new art. Don't believe me? Go check it out. And please check her out for any of your art needs over at RMGraphX, and her own books featuring the kick ass Dylan Hart (I'll be posting a review of her first, The Scene,  very soon).

Wanna see the new shiny?

Amazing, right? Head over to the Amazon link to view the full paperback cover.

http://www.amazon.com/Rebirth-Afflicted-Ravin-Tija-Maurice/dp/1483973107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436671382&sr=8-1&keywords=ravin+tija+maurice

But I'm back. I missed you. Did you miss me?

The Long Goodbye

Many of you might not know this, but metastasized breast cancer took my Mother from me in April of 2012. It was sudden and unexpected. She wasn't in palliative care or hospice.

I've never been able to talk openly about my grief, or how I feel about the process of grieving, until now. And that is all because of a book called The Long Goodbye by Megan O'Rourke.

The Long Goodbye is O'Rourke's memoir that she wrote after her Mother died of cancer. It's poignant, beautiful, and incredibly deep in a way that really sets into your bones.

Part of the reason why I picked it up was because of some of the ways it paralleled by own experience. O'Rourke is also a writer, and she cared for her mother while she was going through her illness as I did. The major difference is that I haven't been able to write at all about grief, and have had difficulty even writing through it. It really captures the empty lonely feeling, and what that absence does to your psyche.

One of the things that she said that really stuck with me was relating the loss to an amputation, and that relearning how to do things without the loved one is like learning how to do things with missing parts and I agree with that whole heartedly. My Mother was my best friend, my greatest supporter and champion, and the light in my darkness. Going on without her has been a process of trying to relearn how to do things, and I've struggled privately and continue to do so.

Coming up to the holiday months without my Mother is especially hard. There are so many things that I hadn't done without her in many years, and trying to do even the simplest things without her has been lonely and at times so sad.

O'Rourke spent a lot of time researching grief and the practices of mourning and grieving which I found fascinating. Going through that process I had a lot of questions and concerns on how I was supposed to behave, and was chastised for my behaviour or lack thereof, so learning about what is appropriate in other cultures, and how the entire process has evolved throughout the centuries was very interesting to me. O'Rourke also applied these ideas to her own grief, and because of the similarities to what I am going through it was a big eye opener for me.

There are a lot of books about grief, and one that was handed to me almost immediately was Motherless Daughters. It was something my Mother had on her own bookshelf, and she recommended to many of her friends who had lost their mothers so it seemed almost bitter sweet that I ended up with it.

But I have not been able to read it. I don't know why, and I have tried several times, but I just can't get into it. Maybe it's because of that legacy, and because the title sort of rubs me the wrong way. I've come to realize that with these types of books that not every book works for the same person, and that you just have to find one that you identify with and go with it.

So, readers, if you've struggled with grief I recommend you take a look at The Long Goodbye. Especially adult women who have lost their mothers.

And, Ms. O'Rourke, on the off chance that you ever see this, I don't have adequate words to express how much The Long Goodbye means to me. Thank you for having the courage to write it and share it, it's given me some hope that I can learn to understand this process and that I'm not going insane. Thank You.